Oh hai.

•November 8, 2010 • 1 Comment

It has been harder to get settled into this new life than I thought it would be.

The house is mostly set up. There are a few organizational kinks to be worked out (which I think is kind of normal for downsizing like I have) but we have reached a good flow. The kids have settled into schools and friends nicely and we hosted a party for my daughter’s birthday this past weekend. Money is a worry, but it comes with the territory.

My biggest issue right now is loneliness. I don’t know anyone here and so far I am stuck at figuring out where to meet people. I am really not interested in a mom’s group – which tends to be all mom’s of 0-3 year olds with the requistite baby discussions. Nor do I want to talk about husbands. I have checked meetup and ravelry and message boards and all of that jazz but it appears I live in a black hole of social activities. Nothing happens around here. I was hoping I could meet people on campus, but my plans have changed and I’m continuing as an online student until September 2011.

It’s disheartening. I am about the biggest homebody around, but I still need to get out and reset myself every once in awhile. I would like to have someone to call on the phone and make an umpromptu date for coffee or something. My mother lives very nearby, and I love her and do like to hang out with her…  but I was more hoping for someone my age to hang out with and talk smack while eating Chinese food out of the carton YK?

I’m sure it will come in time. But the combination right now of early darkness, overwhelming children, and having no excuse to leave the house except to grocery shop is really depressing.

•September 26, 2010 • 2 Comments

I simultaneously love and hate this.

I love this new freedom and opportunity to rediscover myself. I love all the stupid little things like not having anyone comment if I don’t wash the dishes at night. I love knowing that this is all me. I can make this work and do it on my own.

I hate being alone sometimes. I’m naturally a homebody and tend towards the depressive. I really need someone to call me out when I fall into a funk and don’t leave the house for a few days. To remind me to take my medications. To soothe my fears.

A few hours ago I had a scare. I’m not sure if someone tried to break into my house or what, but it certainly sounded like it. I stood, frozen in fear, in my upstairs hallway not knowing what to do. Call the police? Call my mom (who can get here faster than the police)? Wait in the hall to be attacked? I wound up calling my mom who came by and checked it out with me and hugged me and told me it was okay. I feel marginally better. Not enough to not need Ativan tonight though. I really wished someone else had been here to protect me from the get-go. Not necessarily a man or my husband, but anyone. Another adult to help manage the situation and help with the kids had something actually gone wrong. I have nothing to protect myself with. No baseball bats or mace. All I had to carry like a club down the stairs was a wooden curtain rod I haven’t hung yet. It was pretty ridiculous.

I hate feeling inadequate. Feeling unsafe and insecure. Like a victim before I am one. I’m not sure how to overcome this yet. For now, tonight, I am sleeping with that damn curtain rod. Maybe I should get a dog.

Okay. So here is the deal.

•September 19, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I started this blog nearly a year ago with a specific goal in mind. Blog my way out of a chaotic and cluttered life (and the marriage problems that come with that) and move myself and my family back to the city. We were supposed to ride blissfully into the smoggy skylined sunset with our MetroCards in our hands and live happily ever after.

It didn’t happen.

Instead I revive this blog tonight (After privatizing my old posts. All 8 of them.) from my new house. Not the quaint urban garden apartment of my daydreams. The suburban one I live in with my three children, assorted pets… and no spouse. I am trying to figure out a new normal. I simultaneously relish the freedom and hide behind my hands in fear. I mean, what the fuck! I’m a student with no job, a chronic and at times disabling illness, bills, a buttload of personal insecurities, and I’m basically flying blind here. This is fucking terrifying.

Send your woo. And your alcohol.